My life since I came back from Manila to get Maisie has been really exhausting. Work is so toxic and I am getting really fed up with the work loads plus Maisie is stressing me out to the point that I really feel so frustrated. I feel like I don’t know how to be a parent anymore and I don’t know how to discipline her anymore. I always tell her she needs to be patient and be considerate because it’s just the two of us now and I can’t always be besides her all the time. I am thankful of friends/housemates because they are my family here and they support and help me with everything, if not for them I already gave up and give Maisie back to my mom.
But I am happy, he told me I should be proud of myself, and if I come to think of it, I am! It’s not easy being a single parent in a foreign country but I think I am coping up well, it’s really tiring and sometimes I just want to cry, in fact there are few times already that I cried myself to sleep because I really feel so frustrated. But I love her and even though sometimes I feel like giving up and I’m thinking of giving her back to my mom, I still can’t do it. It’s only been a month since she started living with me, and I cannot push her to adjust to this new life overnight and I have to remind myself that.
and I definitely need a new job, a day job preferably.
I need something to distract me as well, I’m falling and it’s scaring the hell out of me.
I dreamt of you the other night and it was not pleasant, you said goodbye and I just stood frozen while you walk away and a good friend was standing besides me comforting me, I wasn’t crying but it felt so real and it felt like dying. It’s so weird and you told me it’s not real. You’re not mine, you will never be but why do I have this feeling that my world will fall apart if I lose you?
