People call me “giggles” because I do giggle a LOT! and they would always ask me where do I get my energy and tell me that I always look so happy.

But it’s one of the things I can say I’m pretty good at… Pretend… that everything is okay and I’m so damn happy with my life!

When I woke this morning I ate the left over food in the fridge and continue playing Call of Duty: Black Ops and when I can’t pass the next mission after several times of trying, I finally gave up and stop.

I went to the living room, put on my club music, lied down on the floor and stared at the ceiling fan.

Depression kicks in, I’ve thought about my life right now and think how I ended up here in this foreign country.  I wanted it and I had my life all planned out until the unfortunate incident with the nanny that made me decide to just give my princess back to my mom.  Now I have to start over again, think about another plan.  Thinking all of these is driving me nuts so I decided to call Jane and told her I will pick her up and we’ll go to carrefour for groceries.

She asked me something personal which I answered with the whole truth when most of the time I would just deny it!  I may be good pretending but not with close friends, they would know exactly what I’m going through.  But I cannot blame anyone, Jane was right, it was my choice, my decision and I knew all the consequences so I should have known better.  I always tell myself that “this is the last time”, but fuck! it just keeps happening! I keep saying “never settle for something lesser than what I deserve” but here I am!

I’ve fallen… game over… being in love with him is like a mental illness.

and oh.. yeah.. I had half a bottle of wine again.. and this is me drunk blabbering yet again..

I have lived here for 1 year and 7 months and I learned how to party last January when I started going out with Jane and her friends.

So Maisie is gone, back to Manila and she sounds much happier there whenever we talk so I guess I’m okay now.  Why did I send her back? It’s a long story and I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

Ever since she left the silence is killing me, so I kept myself out of the house most of the time and last week was crazy!

Monday, house party, my lovely housemate Carmi and our bodyguard June drank 3 bottles of wine! It was the first time for me to drink that much amount of wine and I never expected that it would really get me too fucked up!  It was June’s birthday and Carmi wanted to cheer me up because I keep on crying because Maisie’s gone. She did a very good job!

Tuesday, I had to go to office to assist all the new guys and make sure that all their access to all domains are all working because our team got escalated and so our lead told me to gather them all and fix it! It’s a good thing though because everyone was there so we ended up going to my place to have drinks and we went to pump room after and went back to my place and they were drunk, one of them slept on the floor!

Wednesday, I have no plans at all to go out because getting smashed for two nights is just crazy but I still couldn’t help it, Carmi and I attended the FTV event at New Asia Bar, but I didn’t drink any alcoholic drinks, we just danced the night away and it’s very nice to see friends.

Thursday was a break, I don’t even remember what I did after work, I think I just went straight to bed!

Friday CQ bridge and China One with friends and colleagues, I just had a few drinks, played billiards and as always, danced the night away!

Saturday, we were at Stereolab, the Masquerade Hotel featured DJ Mark Doyle, founder of Fierce Angel, it was actually my first time in that bar, not too bad, music is good, but before that, Yann got me drunk with like more than 10 shots of jagermeister! So when we got there I was already hammered!

I just observed a few things, the people you see in the clubs are almost the same people you will see next time you come, I remember these two guys who I always see at China One and every time I see them they are with a different girl! Party life here in Singapore seems to be really wild!  Some guys just would grab you and kiss you! It happened twice to me! Seriously? But in fairness to white men, when you push them away they will not try again, at least most of them, unlike with most Indian and Singaporean men, even if you push them away so hard they keep coming back so you will end up leaving the dance floor, I hate those kind of men! Even girls, I noticed that most of local girls here will grab every single white men they would see, and it’s not just me saying that, I have a few Caucasian friends who said so too.  Like Yann said, people here thinks that every white men are rich! And this is me being observant and not being a racist and whatnot!

Sex is everywhere! Everyone seems to be fucking everybody! I hate Filipino men who would pretend they are single to get a girl! I hate Caucasian men who thinks that just because you’re Asian you will be easy and I hate the fact that there are a lot of Filipino girls who just proved that! It’s a shame but I cannot change who I am, some of my friends even teases me that it’s a good thing I don’t look much like a Filipina.

Someone told me that it’s okay with him if I’m already seeing someone because he wants to be with me as well, and it’s okay if I still want to continue having fun with my guy.  Like seriously?!? I hate men who can’t understand when you tell them you are already seeing someone!  If I want to just get a good fuck I think I can get it easily like others, that’s what Singapore is all about! That’s why it’s called SIN city!

A good friend even asked me if I’m with someone and I just told her I’m dating and when she asked me how long and I told her how long, she was like “WHAT??”

I cannot ask a guy to commit into something I am not even sure I can commit, I’m too complicated and I have very little time and yes 5 months of dating is crazy, maybe, but I know someone who had worst than that but they’re still together and very much in love with each other.  Why do we need to label things? So I’m not entertaining other men because I’m seeing this guy, what is so surprising about that? it’s my choice and I don’t see anything wrong with that.  I don’t know how long I can keep this, but I’m just trying to enjoy it while it will last.  Someone even told me “He will just fuck you and leave you”, so what? I’m okay with that, I’ve set my mind to that already.  I met the guy in a club on the eve of my birthday while I was too pissed off with someone else, he was more like a rebound and I never even expected we will still be seeing each other, am I falling for him? Maybe I am and my friends are just too afraid that I will fall head over heels in love with him, and honestly it scares the hell out of me too, but I think I will be just fine, I’ve been hurt so many times, been always with the wrong men, so I think I’m getting good at regulating my emotions and I will know how to show myself out if things gets too complicated.  For now, I’m happy, I enjoy every moment we spend together and I enjoy getting to know him better, it’s the way he makes me laugh and the way he holds me in his arms and I don’t wanna lose that yet, so yes I’m happy with what we have, let’s not stress too much about labeling it. Carmi said girls are all about relationship, not everyone, I think relationship ruins everything! Or maybe I’m just bitter because every relationship I had failed! Oh crap!

I’ve been crying myself to sleep for a few days already.  I’m having trouble dealing with Maisie’s tantrums.

When she has it, she’s like possessed by an evil spirit, I don’t even know where does she gets the things that she is saying to me.  I’ve hit her a couple of times already too, and as much as I don’t want to, I don’t know how to handle her anymore.

It was really a bad decision I’ve let her live with her dad, she was never like this before.  The other day we had a fight again and while she was shouting back at me, I see her dad in her, and when she acts like she is self pitying, I see him more than her, it was more like him talking and not her, just his spirit in my kid’s body!! Crazy!!

I am so grateful with my flat mates / friends because at least I have someone to help me out, Jane and Carmi tried to talk to her as well.  I’m also grateful I have cousins here who would come over right away the moment they hear me crying.

So I decided to have her checked and put in psychiatric therapy.  My cousin will find me the best child psychiatrist and we will see if I can get a discount.  I need to have her in therapy soon.  I’ve asked her so many times if she wanna go back but she will just cry and tell me she wants to stay.  I can go back with her in Manila if really needed, but she loves it here, but the way she is behaving is really NOT normal and I will never let her grow up like her dad.

I can do this, we both can handle this.  I just need to extend my patience and get a hold of myself.