Last night I met this guy, wait, scratch that, he actually didn’t introduced himself, he just keeps eyeing me and he’s a friend of a friend and one of my friend who noticed that he wanted to talked to me introduced me to him, I didn’t even get his name, because my friend just told him my name and I didn’t really bother to ask his, from that moment they came to us he already gave me that strange glance, but I didn’t care, I am really usually not the friendly type who will come to you and introduce myself just because you’re new to the group.  Then one of my girlfriend actually noticed that he has a nice body, a pretty sexy nice big chest!

So when he finally had the chance to talk to me he asked me if I wanna drink with him, I told him, sure he can sit besides me but I’m not drinking as I need a break from alcohol, then he repeated his question, I think he repeated it N times until I told him that I already told him okay but I’m fine with my soda and for goodness sake he just needs to be straight and be blunt, because from the tone of his voice he’s not really asking me to drink with him, it’s more than that, and then he just said “Okay, I get it, you don’t want to” then he stood up and then just continued to glance at me and he fucking unbuttoned his shirt! Pa-cute amf!

My point is, okay he’s sexy! So what?!? He still won’t get into my pants! He is just one of those white men I really despise!

I think I need a break with the dating scene, I actually want someone who will mean something and not just a rebound or whatnot, it’s been two years since I got separated from my ex husband and I can honestly say that I’m over it.  I think I’m ready to really let someone in, but I need to be picky this time! We’ll see how it goes.

For now I’ll love and pamper myself, I think I deserve that!

It’s crazy how I can laugh about it now, he taught me well, he taught me that men can make a girl feel that it means something when it really means nothing, at all, maybe I misread everything.  I admit it was a misunderstanding and I knew what it was from the very beginning.  Thoughts of him still creeps in sometimes, but it doesn’t bring tears to my eyes anymore and strangely it puts a smile on my face.

Anyway, I’m done talking about him now.  I had two of my tooth extracted last week! but that doesn’t stopped me from pigging out! I have been eating too much lately, not sure if it’s because of stress or depression or whatnot!  So I really need to do extra laps to lose what I’ve gained last month!

I have been thinking of resigning but I am really not responding to other opportunities, I don’t think I really want to leave UBS yet, it’s just that I don’t want the crazy work schedule anymore, but if I think about it, I like where I am now, I’m doing more technical work and learning a lot of stuffs, and my boys are right, they love me there so my only issue is my work schedule which is still a big deal for me because I need a day job to be able to get Maisie back.  I just haven’t found the right job yet.  I turned down the offer with DB because I don’t want to be stuck! I still need to weigh things, the schedule with DB is really good because there’s no night shift, offer is just a bit diff from what I’m earning now but the work is really far from what I do in UBS and I am really not sure I want to give that up just for the sake of no night shifts, besides there are other opportunities, the problem with me is I’m lazy all the time!

Is it really that I’m lazy or is it because I don’t want to leave yet?  Jeremiah keeps telling me he doesn’t see it in me that I really want to leave because I just keep saying I want to but I’m not doing anything about it, I’ve turned down three offers for the last two months already and I am not even exerting effort to look for a new job.

Well it’s already August so I guess 4 more months isn’t so bad, but I swear I’ll start finding a new one next week, I’ll have my CV ready.  It’s frustrating because I thought I wanted that job with DB.

I’m still undecided if I should keep this domain name, I think it will expire next month.

I was already getting better after that night Jane called you and you told her its over, until I got that SMS from you when I woke up, apologizing for leaving me hanging.  Just because you apologized doesn’t mean everything is magically fixed, I preferred that you didn’t because it just brought back all the emotions, I literally burst into tears when I read your message BUT I appreciate it, I bet it took you so much courage to SMS me.  It’s a good thing too because I was able to say my goodbye.

You’ve been good to me as well, so don’t think you’ve not been kind to me because you were, the only thing you’ve done wrong was kept me hanging and not having the balls to tell me you’re done with me.

Yeah, we lost in touch and it was my fault too as I was too proud.  Maybe it was a misunderstanding but what happened already happened.  You’ve met a girl you really like and that’s totally fine with me, I just thought that you could have at least be a man to tell me and not just keep me hanging.

Falling for you was never the plan, but yeah I guess with those six months and even if I always deny it, I’ve fallen for you, got hooked and got too attached, it didn’t happen overnight so as much as I am trying to move on and forget about you, I still feel you, see you whenever I close my eyes, I secretly search for you in crowded places, I still hear your voice in my head, but I’m getting better, I’m just really not there yet… it will take time.

We have good memories and I can’t even think of a bad one, not even single one, but yeah except this one.  But everything was great with you.  You’ve made me feel so loved and wanted with your passion, but I’ve learned that it doesn’t mean that it’s the real thing.

I don’t hate you and I’m not angry, it’s just that I’m hurt.

Wendy

So I guess this is where our chapter ends…

Pain doesn’t tell you when you ought to stop.  Pain is the little voice in your head that tries to hold you back beac it knows if you continue, you will change.  Don’t let it stop you from being who you can be… Exhaustion tells you when you ought to stop, you only reach your limit when you can go no further.

I can’t blame him because it was true, he never said he loves me, and I know he doesn’t, but six months is still six months.  I am so pissed off with myself more than with him being not a MAN and tell me, because I went against my better judgement and let myself get too attached.  Now I can’t even tell which is real with everything we’ve shared.

I’m so stupid, men are lining up for me and I chose get attached to someone who is sooooo not worth it and I’m crying over a guy who can’t even be man enough to tell me he’s done with me!  I so pissed off with myself because I exerted effort, to learn his language even if I wasn’t really interested, learned to love wine and so much more, I should have not gave in!

I hate myself for feeling too much, I should have known better, I know better but fuck I’ve let my emotions took the wheel!

I’m thankful with friends who really care so much for me and hate to see me like this.  I forgot what was important and I really need to get hold of myself.

I’m soooo done being hurt.  Well like Jane said, this is Singapore, everything is temporary and nothing is for real!

Geez! people say I’m very intelligent, where the fuck is my intelligence now?!?!

So yesterday I went out there and did a photo walk, one of the reasons why I am hesitant to go there is because it’s kind of a red district, there’s too many prostitute! But what the hell, those hookers cannot hurt me anyway and I look so messy so I doubt that anyone will mistakenly think that I am one of them! hahaha

I felt extraordinary happiness, because after a long time I did something NEW for the first time.  Walk around alone and eat Vietnamese food!  I guess I’m improving, this is a very nice diversion. I’m not quite happy with my shots though but I guess they are okay, I was not using my camera (am guilty neglecting it) but instead I used my flat mate’s D7000 and I am really not used with Nikon DSLR and I was still kinda studying how to use it.

]]> http://unixbitch.com/2011/07/joo-chiat/feed/ 0 http://unixbitch.com/2011/07/everyday-work-essentials/ http://unixbitch.com/2011/07/everyday-work-essentials/#comments Thu, 14 Jul 2011 09:02:17 +0000 sdnew http://unixbitch.com/?p=1198

PERSAUTH CARD

RSA TOKENS

OLD SCHOOL DESK PHONE

But it’s one of the things I can say I’m pretty good at… Pretend… that everything is okay and I’m so damn happy with my life!

When I woke this morning I ate the left over food in the fridge and continue playing Call of Duty: Black Ops and when I can’t pass the next mission after several times of trying, I finally gave up and stop.

I went to the living room, put on my club music, lied down on the floor and stared at the ceiling fan.

Depression kicks in, I’ve thought about my life right now and think how I ended up here in this foreign country.  I wanted it and I had my life all planned out until the unfortunate incident with the nanny that made me decide to just give my princess back to my mom.  Now I have to start over again, think about another plan.  Thinking all of these is driving me nuts so I decided to call Jane and told her I will pick her up and we’ll go to carrefour for groceries.

She asked me something personal which I answered with the whole truth when most of the time I would just deny it!  I may be good pretending but not with close friends, they would know exactly what I’m going through.  But I cannot blame anyone, Jane was right, it was my choice, my decision and I knew all the consequences so I should have known better.  I always tell myself that “this is the last time”, but fuck! it just keeps happening! I keep saying “never settle for something lesser than what I deserve” but here I am!

I’ve fallen… game over… being in love with him is like a mental illness.

and oh.. yeah.. I had half a bottle of wine again.. and this is me drunk blabbering yet again..

I didn’t know what to eat and when I opened the fridge there’s plain pasta and there’s shrimp so I consulted Mr. Google and “Garlic Shrimp Pasta” was the top 3 from my search as since almost of the ingredients are available in our kitchen I tried to make one!

• Put the pasta on to cook.
• While the pasta is cooking, heat the oil in a large skillet.
• Add the shrimp, garlic, salt and pepper and red pepper flakes to taste.
• After a minute or two, as soon as the shrimp are pink and opaque, remove them from the pan.
• Add butter and wine in the skillet and turn the heat up to medium high.
• Cook until it has reduced by half.
• Drain the pasta, reserving a small cup of pasta water.
• Return the shrimp to the skillet and cook until heated through.
• Add the parsley and mix.
• Add the pasta, and cook another minute or two over high heat.
• If it seems dry, add a little of the reserved pasta water.
• Serve piping hot, garnishing with additional fresh parsley if desired.

Too bad I have only me and my trance music here at home!

So Maisie is gone, back to Manila and she sounds much happier there whenever we talk so I guess I’m okay now.  Why did I send her back? It’s a long story and I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

Ever since she left the silence is killing me, so I kept myself out of the house most of the time and last week was crazy!

Monday, house party, my lovely housemate Carmi and our bodyguard June drank 3 bottles of wine! It was the first time for me to drink that much amount of wine and I never expected that it would really get me too fucked up!  It was June’s birthday and Carmi wanted to cheer me up because I keep on crying because Maisie’s gone. She did a very good job!

Tuesday, I had to go to office to assist all the new guys and make sure that all their access to all domains are all working because our team got escalated and so our lead told me to gather them all and fix it! It’s a good thing though because everyone was there so we ended up going to my place to have drinks and we went to pump room after and went back to my place and they were drunk, one of them slept on the floor!

Wednesday, I have no plans at all to go out because getting smashed for two nights is just crazy but I still couldn’t help it, Carmi and I attended the FTV event at New Asia Bar, but I didn’t drink any alcoholic drinks, we just danced the night away and it’s very nice to see friends.

Thursday was a break, I don’t even remember what I did after work, I think I just went straight to bed!

Friday CQ bridge and China One with friends and colleagues, I just had a few drinks, played billiards and as always, danced the night away!

Saturday, we were at Stereolab, the Masquerade Hotel featured DJ Mark Doyle, founder of Fierce Angel, it was actually my first time in that bar, not too bad, music is good, but before that, Yann got me drunk with like more than 10 shots of jagermeister! So when we got there I was already hammered!

I just observed a few things, the people you see in the clubs are almost the same people you will see next time you come, I remember these two guys who I always see at China One and every time I see them they are with a different girl! Party life here in Singapore seems to be really wild!  Some guys just would grab you and kiss you! It happened twice to me! Seriously? But in fairness to white men, when you push them away they will not try again, at least most of them, unlike with most Indian and Singaporean men, even if you push them away so hard they keep coming back so you will end up leaving the dance floor, I hate those kind of men! Even girls, I noticed that most of local girls here will grab every single white men they would see, and it’s not just me saying that, I have a few Caucasian friends who said so too.  Like Yann said, people here thinks that every white men are rich! And this is me being observant and not being a racist and whatnot!

Sex is everywhere! Everyone seems to be fucking everybody! I hate Filipino men who would pretend they are single to get a girl! I hate Caucasian men who thinks that just because you’re Asian you will be easy and I hate the fact that there are a lot of Filipino girls who just proved that! It’s a shame but I cannot change who I am, some of my friends even teases me that it’s a good thing I don’t look much like a Filipina.

Someone told me that it’s okay with him if I’m already seeing someone because he wants to be with me as well, and it’s okay if I still want to continue having fun with my guy.  Like seriously?!? I hate men who can’t understand when you tell them you are already seeing someone!  If I want to just get a good fuck I think I can get it easily like others, that’s what Singapore is all about! That’s why it’s called SIN city!

A good friend even asked me if I’m with someone and I just told her I’m dating and when she asked me how long and I told her how long, she was like “WHAT??”

I cannot ask a guy to commit into something I am not even sure I can commit, I’m too complicated and I have very little time and yes 5 months of dating is crazy, maybe, but I know someone who had worst than that but they’re still together and very much in love with each other.  Why do we need to label things? So I’m not entertaining other men because I’m seeing this guy, what is so surprising about that? it’s my choice and I don’t see anything wrong with that.  I don’t know how long I can keep this, but I’m just trying to enjoy it while it will last.  Someone even told me “He will just fuck you and leave you”, so what? I’m okay with that, I’ve set my mind to that already.  I met the guy in a club on the eve of my birthday while I was too pissed off with someone else, he was more like a rebound and I never even expected we will still be seeing each other, am I falling for him? Maybe I am and my friends are just too afraid that I will fall head over heels in love with him, and honestly it scares the hell out of me too, but I think I will be just fine, I’ve been hurt so many times, been always with the wrong men, so I think I’m getting good at regulating my emotions and I will know how to show myself out if things gets too complicated.  For now, I’m happy, I enjoy every moment we spend together and I enjoy getting to know him better, it’s the way he makes me laugh and the way he holds me in his arms and I don’t wanna lose that yet, so yes I’m happy with what we have, let’s not stress too much about labeling it. Carmi said girls are all about relationship, not everyone, I think relationship ruins everything! Or maybe I’m just bitter because every relationship I had failed! Oh crap!

When she has it, she’s like possessed by an evil spirit, I don’t even know where does she gets the things that she is saying to me.  I’ve hit her a couple of times already too, and as much as I don’t want to, I don’t know how to handle her anymore.

It was really a bad decision I’ve let her live with her dad, she was never like this before.  The other day we had a fight again and while she was shouting back at me, I see her dad in her, and when she acts like she is self pitying, I see him more than her, it was more like him talking and not her, just his spirit in my kid’s body!! Crazy!!

I am so grateful with my flat mates / friends because at least I have someone to help me out, Jane and Carmi tried to talk to her as well.  I’m also grateful I have cousins here who would come over right away the moment they hear me crying.

So I decided to have her checked and put in psychiatric therapy.  My cousin will find me the best child psychiatrist and we will see if I can get a discount.  I need to have her in therapy soon.  I’ve asked her so many times if she wanna go back but she will just cry and tell me she wants to stay.  I can go back with her in Manila if really needed, but she loves it here, but the way she is behaving is really NOT normal and I will never let her grow up like her dad.

I can do this, we both can handle this.  I just need to extend my patience and get a hold of myself.