Category Archives: Maisie Danielle

nothing stays the same…

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My life since I came back from Manila to get Maisie has been really exhausting.  Work is so toxic and I am getting really fed up with the work loads plus Maisie is stressing me out to the point that I really feel so frustrated.  I feel like I don’t know how to be a parent anymore and I don’t know how to discipline her anymore.   I always tell her she needs to be patient and be considerate because it’s just the two of us now and I can’t always be besides her all the time.  I am thankful of friends/housemates because they are my family here and they support and help me with everything, if not for them I already gave up and give Maisie back to my mom.

But I am happy, he told me I should be proud of myself, and if I come to think of it, I am! It’s not easy being a single parent in a foreign country but I think I am coping up well, it’s really tiring and sometimes I just want to cry, in fact there are few times already that I cried myself to sleep because I really feel so frustrated.  But I love her and even though sometimes I feel like giving up and I’m thinking of giving her back to my mom, I still can’t do it.  It’s only been a month since she started living with me, and I cannot push her to adjust to this new life overnight and I have to remind myself that.

and I definitely need a new job, a day job preferably.

I need something to distract me as well, I’m falling and it’s scaring the hell out of me.

I dreamt of you the other night and it was not pleasant, you said goodbye and I just stood frozen while you walk away and a good friend was standing besides me comforting me, I wasn’t crying but it felt so real and it felt like dying.  It’s so weird and you told me it’s not real.  You’re not mine, you will never be but why do I have this feeling that my world will fall apart if I lose you?

Barely hanging on

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Maisie’s gone and I’m torn apart into pieces.

It was harder this time around because I was the one to send her off when she was usually the one to send me off. I actually thought she was stronger but still she wasn’t able to keep herself from crying and it was so hard keeping myself from crying too and I cannot let her see me cry because it will make it more difficult for her.

She actually begged me if she can just stay and I was heart broken that I have to send her off. 4 months until her graduation after that she’ll be with me again.  Her dependent’s pass is already approved and her ID is for collection already on Wednesday so she can come anytime and live with me.  We both need to be patient.

I can’t sleep, been thinking about her, and the look on her teary eyes still lingers in my thoughts and I miss her so bad… my bed is not the same without her, I miss her hugging me while I read to her and put her to sleep, I miss her kiss and her silly laugh already.  I can still hear her calling me “mommy”.  She left most of her things here, especially those I bought for her because she doesn’t want those things to get lost back in Manila and she wants it to be here when she comes back.

I can’t sleep and I miss her :(

Day 19 – Something you could never get tired of doing.

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Blogging and Chatting and meeting new friends

I could spend a whole day blogging or reading blogs and chatting.  I find it amusing meeting people online and talking to strangers.  I’ve met friends as well even way back during xanga days, but most of xangans stopped blogging but we still keep in touch through facebook, thanks to facebook! hahaha

I’ve met good friends on chat as well, even in office when I got too bored… I chat casually with users or with our L1 folks, I’ve met two nice girl friends already with our L1 folks, I plan to go to Hyderabad and I will definitely going to meet them… it’s nice to chat with girls when I’m all surrounded with men at work, even our regional admins are all men.

Just recently I met someone on mIRC, maybe 3 months back, it was actually funny because the first thing he told me when he pinged me was “is it okay if I call you an asshole?” then I replied with just question mark “?” and then he repeated the question and then I just told him to go ahead if it will make him sleep at night.  I think I was in a good mood, and I just ignored him then it caught his attention that I actually didn’t get angry and told me it was a temperamental test and so I passed.  We became friends and we still talk almost everyday.  He’s a social worker and he’s very intelligent. I like talking to intelligent beings, I learn a lot of things.

Then I met Jenine, who invited me to her channel, I actually thought she was a he.  She was really nice and I like talking to her.  And of course Cade who was the founder of Sydney channel on Dalnet and who was the reason why I registered my nick again and became an operator at his channel and he’s really a nice guy with a big heart but really stupid when it comes to girls. Then Syazwan, a 20 year old boy who wants to date me, I would meet him only if he quit wanting to date me.  But he’s a really nice Muslim boy and he’s from here in Singapore who became a regular at Sydney channel.

Then I met Hyder from whoshere an iPhone app.  He’s widowed with one adorable little boy. I like talking to him because he doesn’t have any pretensions and he really makes me laugh.

and in blogger world I’ve met Gayla and Engel…bert (tsk tsk tsk) and it was really nice meeting them, I had a good time.

——–

Maisie is leaving tomorrow night and it really saddens me, and after reading to her, me and “Him” talked.

Me: I’m reading to Maisie
Him: wish kid pleasent safe happy journey back home
Him: n give patience n no cry to her mom
Me: lol
Him: yes it is true
Him: 100% i feel she will cry after kid is gone
Me: you know me very well
Him: n it is normal as mother the tendency to cry is most likely
Him: yes i know u from head to toe
Him: n then sunday she is home n then she wil cry n think
Me: shut up! hahahahaha
Him: i wish u could be on duty on sunday to keep ur mind occupied

I purposely took another one day off after she leaves because I don’t want to end up crying at work.

So what’s been happening?

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It’s been a very busy month for me but I’m still keeping up with the blog challenge.

Went to Manila for the annulment case and my schedule was so tight and it was too short and I wasn’t able to do most of the things I wanted to do, like meet with HP folks but I’m grateful I was able to meet Sub and Peter (Oh yes, paninindigan ko na sya)

Sub, Peter and Me

The Psychological exam and the Psychiatrist interview worn me out, I never thought it was too much, and later did I know that I would need at least one witness, but that’s not a problem because I am blessed with wonderful friends who are willing to help.

Maisie’s new friend Annie

Now Maisie is here I feel like not sending her back but I won’t be that selfish and I promised her teacher I will let her graduate this year and I will be there on her graduation day.

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